2.  Don’t die with your music still in you

3.  You can’t give away what you don’t have

4.  Embrace silence

5.  Give up your personal history

6.  You can’t solve a problem with the same mind that created it

7.  There are no justified resentments

8.  Treat yourself as if you already are what you’d like to be

9.  Treasure your divinity

10.  Wisdom is avoiding all thoughts that weaken you

Stress scale for adults

Score of 300+: At risk of illness.

Score of 150-299+: Risk of illness is moderate (reduced by 30% from the above risk).

Score 150-: Only have a slight risk of illness.

Stress scale for non-adults

Score of 300+: At risk of illness.

Score of 150-299+: Risk of illness is moderate. (reduced by 30% from the above risk)

Score 150-: Slight risk of illness.

How stressed are you?

I have counseled couples who have everything going for them. They have all the money they need and more. They have lovely children. They have beautiful homes, successful careers, supportive families – everything that they need! Yet because of poor communication skills, their marriage is failing. Conversely, I have counseled couples who are going through very hard times. This could be due to financial difficulties, illness, problems with children or even infidelity. Despite the difficulties that they experience, couples who can communicate clearly with each other have a much better chance of overcoming problems and staying together.

Poor communication causes conflict, misunderstanding, hurt and resentment. Effective communication can keep marriages together in even the most difficult of times. If I had to identify the most important element of a successful marriage, it would be the couple’s ability to communicate with each other.

Communication is a very complex thing. If it were simple, I suppose it would be much easier to get it right! In order to do the subject full justice, one would need to go into much more depth than is possible in the space of one article. However, over the years, I have identified certain communication styles or problems which cause difficulties in relationships. What I will do in this article, is to talk about some of the most important mistakes that couples make and also look at some strategies to develop healthier communication patterns in a marriage. As I go through them, I am sure that you will recognize yourself in many of the examples that I use. Whether you are a young couple who wants to improve on a good relationship, or a couple in crisis who need some help, this article will give you some guidelines to work on to improve your communication skills.

Before I continue, let us first establish that it is impossible NOT to communicate. Even when two people are refusing to talk to each other, they are communicating something. Communication consists of words, silences, body language and other observable behavior – not words alone.

Having established that, let us look at 10 steps one can take to develop healthier communication patterns in your relationship.

1. Spend more time together

Why have I begun with such a simple rule? Surely everybody knows this? Well, sure they do – but do they practice it? In my experience the answer is No. The majority of people who consult me with marriage problems do not make regular time to be together and just talk. Life is busy. Children, careers, chores, recreation, friends and even TV often take precedence over the couple’s time together. When they do ‘go out’, it is probably to a movie or to friends where it is impossible to talk properly with each other. They are forever ‘meaning’ to spend time together and never get around to it. Soon they lose the ability to communicate with each other and may even find it difficult to spend time in each other’s company. Look around you in a restaurant. Some people say that you can identify the people who have been married for more than five years by the fact that they neither look at nor talk to each other. This may be a generalization, but it is often not far from the truth.

Without sufficient time together, it is not possible to learn to communicate well with each other. I have had couples who have consulted me with major problems, which have improved with the simple addition of more quality time together. It is an extremely important prerequisite for healthy communication! Don’t just agree to this in principle – practice it as well! Practice it NOW and not some time in the future when it is more ‘convenient’.

Because time is difficult to come by, you should make a deliberate effort to make time for each other. The best way to do this is to set aside a regular time at least once a week, or to make a definite day which is ‘your’ day or evening as a couple. You do not need to go out or spend money – you can stay at home and spend time together as well. Many people want to do this, but never seem to get it right. This brings me to my second step.

2. Prioritize your time together

As I said above, it is not enough to agree in principle. That is why regular quality time happens so infrequently between couples. Just like anything else, you have to prioritize time together. You have to see it as more important than the other things that take up your time or else it will not happen – especially if you have a busy schedule.

Why do most people get up every morning and go to work? Not because they love it, but because they have a routine of doing so, usually from Monday to Friday and at specified times. They are required to put in a certain amount of work and so they do. What would happen to the majority of us if our employers said that we could come to work ‘when we had the time’ and were prepared to pay us and promote us whether or not we did much work? How much time would we allocate to our work? What would we achieve?

Remember the old friend that you bumped into at the supermarket? The one who said that you should get together ’some time soon’? Have you heard from her? The chances are that you have not. What about the one who invited you for tea on Saturday afternoon at 3 pm? Now that would probably be an important date that you would want to keep!

If you expect the rewards of a good relationship, you MUST make regular time to spend together by prioritizing this as important in your life and by officially blocking off the time. If someone asks you around on a Friday night – and that is the night you usually spend with your partner, say ‘I am busy that night’. Make your time together the most important thing you do and it will certainly pay off! I cannot over-stress the importance of regular time together. This is so important that I have even advised couples to discontinue counseling unless they are prepared to make time together.

I am often amazed at people who are surprised that they get on better with their friends than their partners without realizing that one of the reasons is that they spend more quality time with their friends!

Many couples who have become estranged due to lack of time together, may find that when they do decide to work on it, they either end up arguing or they cannot find two words to say to each other. They then give it up as a ‘bad job’. Many come to their next therapy session and tell me ‘It didn’t work’.

My answer is ‘That is fine. You did it – now keep doing it!’ The fact is that you cannot expect to suddenly start communicating by magic! If you haven’t been out together for awhile, your expectations of the evening may be high and this could cause stress – which results in an argument. Small talk is easier between regular strangers than between couples. After all, you know most of the details of each other’s histories (career, hobbies, children, etc) – so you cannot simply chatter away as you would with a stranger.

If your first attempt does not work out, congratulate each other on spending the evening together and decide a date for the next time. Spend time together regardless of how difficult the time is – so long as you are both committed to keep on trying, that is the most important thing.

3. Never use intimidating tactics

Do not bully your partner. Shouting, swearing, threatening or banging of doors is abusive behavior. So is throwing objects, breaking things in the environment and, of course, actual violence against the person’s body. This kind of behavior is not acceptable under any circumstances whatsoever. Any behavior which would be defined as either rude, abusive or criminal if it were aimed at your neighbor, should be seen in an even worse light when it is aimed at your partner. Even if you are very angry and you have good reason to be so, violence or verbal abuse is unacceptable. SAY “I am so angry I don’t know how to express it”. DON’T smash your fist into the table to communicate your anger.

4. Never assume you understand

Make this a rule and you will avoid lots of problems and misunderstandings. I have sat in sessions with couples who have started a fight before my eyes because one of them misunderstood the other. Very often couples even argue about the very same thing! If you find that this happens to you a lot, try to make it a rule to double check with each other. If your partner says “I will see you at the entrance to the mall at 3pm’, confirm that you have understood her. Say ‘Three o’clock at the FRONT entrance, right?’

Sometimes we interpret things or communicate things incorrectly and then it is even more important to double check that you understand, before becoming emotional and attaching your own meaning to something. If your partner says “Sometimes I long for the times when I was single” it is very easy to translate this into “I wish I had never married you”, especially when you are feeling insecure. Once again, don’t assume – rather double check. Say “Do you mean that you wish that you had never married me?” or just “What do you mean by that?” You will find that you avoid many arguments and misunderstandings if you do not always assume that you understand and confirm that you have heard and interpreted your partner correctly.

5. Have your arguments one at a time!

Don’t store up your resentments, hurts and anger until they become too much to handle and then blast them all out in one go when the straw hits the proverbial camel’s back! You will appear unreasonable and your partner will probably behave very defensively. If there is something that is bothering you, take responsibility for your feelings and deal with it! Speak to your partner and say how you feel, without accusing him. Say “I feel hurt when you criticize me in public. I don’t want you to do it anymore.” Don’t say “You always pick on me. I know that you think I am stupid!” Above all, don’t say nothing and allow your feelings to build up until you explode and then drag out all the past hurts and complaints while you are about it! Deal with things one at a time and as soon as possible.

6. Do not ‘piggy back’ your arguments

How often have you told your partner “I wish you would pick up your socks”, only to be told “Well, what about you – you always leave the kitchen in a mess and expect me to clean it”. This is a very destructive way of arguing and is often just a knee jerk reaction designed to protect and focus attention away from oneself. Make a point of not responding to this poor communication strategy and never to be guilty of it yourself. If you wait for your partner to speak to you about something that bothers him and then jump on him with a complaint of your own, you will firstly discourage him from speaking to you about problems and secondly, you will be sure to cause an argument in which no one ‘wins’ and in which the issue at hand is never resolved.

When something bothers you, whether it is big or small, speak calmly to your partner about it. Do not wait for her to bring up a related issue and then ‘jump on the bandwagon’. If your partner speaks about something on her mind, thank her for telling you about how she feels and try and understand her point of view and improve the way that you handle things. If she says “I wish you wouldn’t leave your socks all over the place”, say “Thanks for telling me that it bugs you. I will try to remember to put them in the laundry basket in future.” Is that so difficult? Don’t add your own ‘complaint’ to the list. Take responsibility for voicing your own concerns when they arise, rather than ‘piggy backing’ them onto a concern of your partner’s.

If you find your partner doing this, say “That is a different issue. You are welcome to talk to me about it when it arises again. For now, can we deal with what I have said?”

7. Work towards a ‘Win Win’ rather than a ‘Win Lose’ situation

If you and your partner differ on a fundamental or even a minor issue, it rarely works to argue about it until somebody ‘loses’. In a situation like this there are no clear victors. Rather try to work towards a compromise which suits both of you.

For example, if one of you wants to go and see an action movie and the other wants to see a love story, don’t fight until one of you ‘gives in’. Try and find a solution together in which you both ‘win’. This may be solved by agreeing that one can choose the movie this week, while the other chooses next week or it may be some other solution (like flipping a coin) that works for both of you. The same solution could be applied to more difficult issues, like differences in religion.

8. Choose your time carefully when you need to talk about difficult things

Try not to deal with big issues when you feel emotional or when you are tired.

For example, when your husband comes home at three o’ clock in the morning, it is very difficult not to become upset and start shouting at him. This can only result in a huge argument where both of you say things which you later regret. Rather wait until the morning and then speak to him about how you feel. Ask him to explain himself and if you are not happy with his explanation, tell him so. Clearly define your limits in the situation as well as what you are and are not prepared to accept. Then let it go and move on. If he continues to do the same thing and disregards your feelings, then you have to decide what you are going to do about this. Are you prepared to accept it? Can you continue in the marriage if he refuses to change? Once you have made your decision, communicate it to him and take the necessary action.

Timing is always important – even for seemingly minor things. Think of the wife who begins confronting and questioning her husband the moment he opens the door. “Did you get the car washed?” “Why are you so late”, “Just wait until I tell you what the kids got up to today” or even “The dog ate your favorite T-shirt”. Rather spend some time greeting your partner and touching base in a warm and friendly way. Give him or her some space to adjust to being at home again. Later on you can communicate ‘bad news’, bring up the issues that have been bugging you or ask the questions that you need to ask. Even half an hour to ‘chill out’ can make all the difference.

9. Don’t use ’stonewalling’, ‘cold war’ or ‘passive aggressive’ tactics to try and communicate your displeasure

We are all guilty of this sometimes and these can be very destructive communication patterns.

If your partner does something that you don’t like, you may ‘freeze up’ and refuse to talk to or look at him for days. I have counseled couples who have been in this mode for months or even years. Learn to speak about your feelings and take responsibility for working through them with your partner. Remember, silences can become longer and longer each time until you both loose touch with each other permanently. This is very difficult to reverse after it has reached a certain point.

Don’t be ‘passive aggressive’. This is a very common and unhealthy way of communicating where the person deliberately and stubbornly refuses to co-operate as a way of communicating anger or resentment. A very simple example is the three-year-old child who works as slowly as possible to the bathroom because she does not want to go and have a bath. An ‘adult’ version of this would be a partner who withholds money from the budget because she is angry or who runs up the credit card as a way of ‘punishing’ her partner. Some people withhold sex, money or affection in order to communicate their angry or resentful feelings. Passive aggressive behavior is infuriating and childish! Take responsibility for your feelings and speak about them. Set clear limits and make your own decisions about how to respond in a mature way to your partner’s behavior.

10. Be aware of repeating unhealthy communication patterns that you have learnt from your parents

Many people are shocked to realize how their marriages resemble the marriages of their parents. It is very true that we learn how to be husbands or a wives by watching the way our parents treat each other. This then becomes part of our subconscious approach to our partners when we are adults – even when we don’t believe in it intellectually. Examine the way that you communicate with your partner. Do you bully? Do you nag? Do you submit too easily? Do you behave like your mother or your father? Be brutally honest with yourself. If you find that you have been repeating patterns of communication that your parents used, make a conscious decision to change. At first it will be difficult, but if you persevere it will become easier.

11. OK – I know I said Ten Steps, but here is one more for luck!
Try and remember to emphasize the positive more than the negative. It is easy to fall into the trap of focusing on negative things and forgetting to communicate positive feelings to your partner. Remember to praise and encourage each other and to regularly tell your partner what you like about him or her. We all need to feel admired and appreciated and when you communicate positive things to your partner, you create warm and loving feelings between the two of you. So tell your wife that she looks pretty in the red dress or tell your husband how handsome he looks with his new haircut. Speak about the things that you admire about each other as often as possible – it will make a big difference to how you feel towards each other!

Michele Carelse is a Registered Clinical Psychologist and Licensed Counselor with more than 12 years experience. She runs her own private practice, as well as an online counseling and information service at Native Remedies

If you really want to live longer, make the right lifestyle choices:

Be optimistic
Optimists decrease their risk of early death by 50 % compared with pessimists. Don’t worry, be happy, and live longer!

Socialize
Scientist found that death rates are twice as high for the most socially isolated people compared with those with strong social ties.

Be curious
According to studies, curious people live about 30% longer than people who are not.

Get spiritual
People who attend religious ceremonies regularly are likely to live significantly longer than their non-religious friends.

Feel younger
People who behave as if they are younger live longer. Teen clothing might be not the best idea, juts revive a few of the things you liked doing when young.

Feast on fruits and veggies
If you don’t consume fruit daily, your risk of stomach cancer doubles or even triples. As well, fruits and veggies are rich in antioxidants that can help your body counteract the damaging signs of aging.

Get enough potassium
A diet deprived in potassium can raise blood pressure. One banana provides the the extra 400 mg of potassium that decreases probability of a fatal stroke by 40%.

Say “Ohm”
Yoga and meditation reduce stress, which is one of the major causes of the aging process.

Get married
Being married encourages healthy behavior: married people are more likely to be active, eat breakfast, wear seat belts and not smoke. Tie the knot to stay alive!

Reference: Floyd, E. (2005). 1001 little health miracles.

Red
Red color signifies energy, love, power, passion, danger, urgency and courage.
If red is your favorite color, you are energetic, impulsive, you enjoy many interests in life and love to be involved in exciting situations. You love to be the center of attention and can be somewhat insensitive to the feelings of those around you.
If you dislike red, you are probably afraid of defeat or rejection. Try to overcome this fear and put red energy back into your life.

Pink
Pink symbolizes romance, sexuality, feminine qualities and passiveness.
If pink is your favourite color, you a sensitive and loving by nature. However, you might depend on emotional support from others and, for your own sake, should gain more self-confidence.
People who dislike pink may be burdened by negative feelings toward their parents, and they need to come to terms with it.

Orange
Orange signifies fun, enthusiasm, creativity, cheer, excitement, and ambition.
If orange is your favorite color, you are probably energetic, determined, and happiest when active.
People who dislike orange may suffer from mental or physical exhaustion.

Yellow
Yellow, a colour of sunshine, symbolizes joy, happiness and friendliness.
If yellow is your favorite color, you are cheerful, intellectual and highly imaginative. You are happiest when surrounded by lively and optimistic people.
Dislike of yellow could indicate that you are suffering from a feeling of helplessness.

Green
Green colour signifies growth, harmony, tranquility, freshness, and fertility
If green is your favorite color, you are most at peace when able to observe others without becoming too involved. You are a very balanced, moral, and polite, conceal strong emotions and appear detached. Wearing a touch of yellow might help you communicate your feelings better.
If you shun green, you have probably experienced loneliness at some point of your life.

Blue
Blue signifies reliability, stability, wisdom, dignity, and loyalty.
If blue is your favorite color, you are thoughtful, trustworthy and considerate. You have an essential need for harmonious living. You need to find time to relax and recharge yourself.
People who dislike blue probably have a rooted fear of loosing position or honor.

White
White colour symbolizes purity, innocence, youth, and perfection. If white is your favourite colour, you enjoy simplicity, but also search for superiority, distinction and enlightenment.
Dislike of white color could indicate that you have never been obsessed with a perfect order in your life.

Black
Black signifies power, formality, elegance and mystery.
If black is  your favourite color, you are in control but it could also be used to mask a feeling of low self-esteem. You are capable of being comfortable under conditions in which others would be bothered.
If you dislike black, this could mean that there is a block in your leadership energy that needs to be addressed.

What’s your favorite color?

Reference: Bharadwaj, M. (2003). The Indian luck book: How to bring luck into your life.

The first lesson in managing emotions is to understand that emotions are inner feelings that arise and that there is nothing right or wrong about them. It is not right to be judgmental about even negative feelings. Emotions have to be differentiated from feelings, moods and disposition. Feelings are subjective and do not take into account the objective reality. Disposition refers to a durable and differentiating characteristic of a person. Mood is an emotional state somewhere between an emotion and a disposition.

Psychologically, emotions are complex responses of the nervous system, negative as well as positive, to external or internal stimuli. They are also considered to be a cognitive process. A brain that lacks emotions is considered to be incomplete. Dealing with your emotions and managing them is an essential constituent of social life. A willingness to give them a positive direction can help you in becoming a better person.

The primary step towards managing emotions is to learn how to deal with stress. Moderate levels of stress are good since it motivates and challenges. But stress that builds up and reaches intolerable levels can affect performance at work places and health.

Understanding other people’s emotions (something we call putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes) helps in dealing with emotions. It is however essential to understand your own emotions as well. There is an old saying, “count till ten before you get angry”. That counting is actually meant to let you think and identify the reason behind the anger.

- Try to find what your feelings mean. If you are in fear, try to find ways that will make you feel safe. If you are sad, identify the cause and look for ways to comfort yourself. You may need help from a friend or a counselor.
- If you are angry, identify the cause and fix it. Your anger could be due to another issue or an earlier bad experience. Go directly to the person you are angry with and try to settle the issue. This becomes easy if you try to understand the other person’s point of view. Or else, try arguing with you own self to see if it really matters.
- If you are happy, make the most of it without getting complacent of your duties. At the same time mark the situation so that you can recreate it.

Being aware of the emotions that you are undergoing and the reasons behind those emotions can help you control it. Express your feelings to someone you trust and you may get a completely opposite assessment of the situation. The underlying idea is to evaluate emotions before they get the better of you. If you can redirect your emotion to a positive one, you may find that what you were contemplating was futile and unjustified. Emotions are strong feelings that take place within the mind and can be influenced by individual bias. Objectivity and a positive mental attitude are actually the best ways of managing emotions.

1. Spend time interacting with people so you can accurately identify exactly what your habits are, view the efficacy of any habit changes you’ve made, and see how your habits impact yourself and others. This information will inform you as to what steps can be made to improve your habits.

2. To change a habit, first, decide what you want your new habit to be. Next, deliberately repeat the desired behaviour often enough for it to become a permanent, unconscious life response pattern. This can take considerable time for it to become a long-standing habit, so be patient.

3. Important healthy habits that are relatively easy to implement, even in this rush-rush world, are frequent laughing, getting enough sleep, stretching, relaxing, and exercising. When incorporated into your schedule, they will significantly enhance your life.

4. To improve your energy, reduce your exposure to pollutants by creating the cleanest and healthiest work and living environments, possible by using air purifies, non-toxic cleaning agents, and regular dusting schedules.

5. If you notice an increase in allergies, clouded thinking, loss of concentration, poor memory, increased sickness, sinusitis, decreased productivity, poor digestion, fatigue, itchy eyes, sore throat, and nausea, a thorough home and/or workspace toxicity assessment is warranted.

6. Spend regular time with those people who enrich your life and encourage your success. Such relationships are very important. As well, resolve or eliminate unhealthy relationships. Never hang onto something that isn’t meant to be.

7. Surround yourself with tangible things that put beauty into your life and bring you joy. Paintings, sculpture, photos, plants, and architectural elements can add a new dimension to your life. It’s better to have few things that you love than several you’re lukewarm about.

8. Being around incompatible people, places, and things can quickly put you into a downward emotional tailspin. When you find yourself in such circumstances, kindly excuse yourself as quickly as possible.

9. Don’t let a day go by without humor. Humor and wit are the universal antidotes to anything.

10. Listen to music that makes your soul sing. In every culture, music plays a central role in every ritual and celebration. It’s hard to be anything but enthusiastic while listening to your favourite music. Do it often.

Source: Spencer, J. (2008). Turn it up! Health communications, Inc.

What is self-esteem?

The term ‘esteem’ means to have respect or high regard for something or someone. If you ‘esteem’ yourself highly, therefore, you would have respect for yourself as a person and value the attributes that you have and the achievements that you have made. This does not mean that someone who is opinionated and egotistical has a healthy self-esteem! This type of person is more likely to be behaving as if he is the greatest in order to mask insecurity. True self-esteem implies a realistic assessment of one’s abilities and potentials.

Where does self-esteem come from?

In order to answer this, we need to look at how a person develops a sense of ’self’ in the first place.

Newborn babies do not have a sense of themselves as individuals. This means that they have no sense of ’self’ as separate from their mother or from the environment in which they find themselves. They don’t know what they look like or what qualities and abilities they have.

As they become a little older, they gradually begin to develop a sense of ‘me’ and ‘not me’, although they usually see the mother as part of ‘me’.

By the age of two or three, toddlers have begun to realize that they are separate individuals. They begin to develop strong likes and dislikes and discover the words ‘NO’ and ‘ME DO IT!’ This can be a difficult stage for parents as their sweet little babies seem to turn into willful, oppositional tyrants before their eyes!

How this stage is handled forms the basis for the development of a healthy self-esteem. Parents need to reinforce their children’s strengths, use lots of praise and encourage their young children in an age appropriate way to learn new skills. They need to find a balance between setting clear and consistent boundaries and not stifling the emerging sense of self. Another difficult thing to do is to protect the child from harm and injury, while still allowing her to explore and develop confidence in her own abilities.

Most parents get it right most of the time!

The ‘messages’ that children get in their formative years play a large part in determining their confidence levels and the way that they perceive themselves. Are they constantly being told that they are ‘naughty’, ’stupid’ or ‘clumsy’? Are they praised and encouraged to try new skills? Are they often compared with brothers and sisters and found lacking? Or are they treated with respect as individuals in their own right?

All these things contribute to the formation of a sense of self and a concept of ‘Who am I and how do other people see me?’

Later in life, other people begin to play increasingly more important roles in contributing towards a person’s sense of self and therefore their self esteem. This includes teachers, friends, siblings and, later in life, employers, colleagues, husbands, wives, etc.

As we go through life we collect perceptions of ourselves along the way. Some of these may be positive perceptions (I am a good soccer player, people find me attractive, I can cook well, I work well under stress, people look up to me, etc) while others may be negative (I am fat, I can’t dance well, no-one likes me, people think I am stupid, I struggle to cope at work, etc) If the foundation of a healthy self esteem was well established during childhood, people are more able to retain their confidence even in the face of negative reactions from others. So long as there is a reasonable balance between positive and negative feedback from other people and the environment, self-esteem will not be too badly affected. However, if childhood years were characterized by more criticism and harsh discipline than praise and encouragement, then self esteem will be low and the person will tend to be overly sensitive to negative responses from others and lack confidence in their own abilities.

Is it possible to change one’s self esteem in adulthood?

Most definitely! This can work both ways.

Sometimes people who feel relatively confident and good about themselves experience a situation of failure (e.g. going bankrupt) or they are badly hurt and disappointed in a relationship. This can affect their self-esteem to such an extent that they almost undergo a personality change. Without help, it can take a long time to recover from trauma like this and professional help is often necessary.

Fortunately it is also possible to improve self-esteem and to change a negative perception of oneself into a positive one.

Here are some practical suggestions:

Make a list of strengths and positive attributes

Sit down with a pen and paper and list all the strengths that you have as well as all the positive things that you can say about yourself. This could include skills that you may have (e.g. cooking) or attributes that you possess (e.g. pretty eyes, a lovely voice).

Include in this list all the positive things that you have ever heard people say about you. These do not need to be things with which you necessarily agree. For example, if someone has told you that you have attractive handwriting, but you don’t agree – include it on the list. After all, the opinions of others are just as valid as yours, aren’t they?

It is also a good idea to go to close friends, colleagues, and relatives and ask them to name three positive things about you – include these on the list as well.

Take a few days to do this exercise. You will be surprised at what you will come up with!

Some people find it hard to make a list of positive things about themselves. If this happens to you, it probably has its root in your childhood. Many people are taught that it is conceited and ‘bad’ to say anything positive about themselves. If it makes you uncomfortable to write down complimentary things about yourself, there is all the more reason to work at it. Do it even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Learn to accept compliments

Are you the sort of person who feels awkward when other people compliment you? Do you find it difficult to know what to say in response to a compliment?

If you are, begin to practice receiving compliments graciously. If some one compliments you, say ‘Thank you’ and smile at them. Do not try and discredit the other person’s words by pointing out negative things about yourself (’It’s just an old dress’, ‘I was just lucky’, ‘I usually mess up’) Receive the compliment and learn to take pleasure in it. This may be difficult at first, but if you practice it will become easier.

If you allow other people to compliment you, you will help yourself to feel more positive and may even begin to like yourself more.

Don’t keep putting yourself down!

People with low self esteem often say negative things about themselves and may even go out of their way to put themselves down in company and point out their faults when it is not necessary to do so.

Pay attention to how you speak about yourself. Do you say negative things about yourself and your abilities? ‘I can’t……’ I’m not good at …..’ ‘I always make mistakes ……’ Do you deliberately point out your perceived faults or imperfections?

If you recognize this tendency, begin to work on avoiding negative references to yourself. Ask friends and family to remind you when you do so and correct yourself. Change ‘I can’t’ to ‘It’s difficult, but I can try’. Find positive things to say about yourself rather than criticism. Practice this as much as you can.

Stop apologizing!

Are you always saying ‘I’m sorry’? People with low self-esteem often have a habit of apologizing for themselves all the time. If they meet someone in a passage, they say ‘I’m sorry’. If they want to speak to someone, they say ‘I’m sorry’. Whenever they have to get someone’s attention, they say ‘I’m sorry’.

Sorry for what? For existing?

Stop apologizing and recognize that you have a right to be around and to be heard. Instead of saying ‘I’m sorry’ all the time, begin smiling at people – it is much more positive!

Try new things

If your self-esteem is low, the chances are that you avoid trying new things and meeting new people. This only reinforces your negative perception of yourself. What you need to do is to provide yourself with the opportunity to experience success and pleasure in what you do. This will increase your self-esteem and will make you more confident to try even more new things.

So take up a new hobby, begin a sport, sign up for gym membership or join a hiking club or dance class. Do things that you have never done before like go for a massage or a facial. Buy a cookbook and try out new recipes. Invite some friends around for dinner. The list is endless!

Spend time with people who help you to feel good about yourself

This is an important one! People with low self-esteem will often allow themselves to be used, bullied and abused. Sometimes they behave like doormats and allow other people to order them around and take advantage of them. They may also seek out people who are negative about life and have difficulty seeing the positive in anything.

If you are being pushed around and feel unappreciated, learn to say ‘NO’ when you feel ‘No’! Choose to spend time with people whose company you enjoy and spend less time with people who do not contribute to a sense of well being. If you are in an abusive or destructive relationship, get out of it or seek professional help. Do an ‘audit’ of your relationships and stop spending time and energy on people who bring nothing positive to your life. The longer you allow yourself to be unappreciated and taken advantage of, the worse you will feel about yourself. You can change that!

Treat yourself with respect and consideration

If you do not respect yourself and see your needs as important, then no one else will do so either. Learn not to always put yourself last and be in touch with your needs.

Look after your physical self. Have your hair cut, dress in clothes that you like and take care of your grooming and your health. Spoil yourself with things that you enjoy like bubble baths and special treats. Do things that help you to feel good.

Look after your environment. Keep your home tidy and spend time and energy making your environment beautiful. Polish a table, buy yourself some flowers, use scented oils in your bedroom, open the curtains and let the sun come in. Organize your work space and personalize it to express your personality. All these things are important ways of showing yourself that you are worth caring for. If you do them often, you will be surprised to find other people beginning to do them for you as well!

Smile at other people and look them in the eye.

People who lack confidence often avoid eye contact and spend their time looking down at the ground.

Stop looking down! Look up and greet people. Look them in the eye and smile. Say ‘Hi!’ Most people will smile back and the friendly response will feel good. This may seem like a small thing, but it will also help you to feel more positive about yourself.

Be aware of your body language

Stand up straight! Put your shoulders back and your head up. Posture plays a more important role than we realize in how we feel about ourselves. Stooping and making your body less noticeable is a subconscious way of communicating that you are not worthy to take up space in your surroundings and conveys a message of subjugation and humility to others – an ‘I’m not good enough’ message.

Help yourself to feel better and more confident by standing straight and tall!

Sometimes natural remedies help

If you feel chronically ‘down’, insecure, negative and unworthy, you could benefit from a course of a natural anti-depressant like Mindsoothe. Mindsoothe contains St John’s Wort and Passiflora in therapeutic dosage and can help to boost your mood and assist you to feel more optimistic and positive about yourself.

These are all practical exercises that you can do to help yourself to feel more confident and to increase your sense of self worth. Obviously you cannot expect to change overnight and old habits and perceptions are hard to break.

However, if you have really tried to change the way that you feel about yourself and find that you are fighting a loosing battle, don’t give up and feel that you can never change. An experienced counselor can help you to change the negative ways that you relate to yourself and help you to develop a more positive sense of self-esteem. It is well worth the investment in time and money to work on your self-esteem.

Good luck and be well!